In the past fathers were often the ones who were
responsible for discipline and setting rules and mothers did most
of the caring. While parenting can be done by either parent,
children still have different experiences with their fathers than
with their mothers.
BEING A DAD
Sometimes fathers feel uncertain of what is expected of them.
This is partly because there is no clear difference between
"men's work" and "women's work" any more.
Many fathers know what they don't want to do from memories of
their own childhoods, but they aren't sure what they should do.
There is no recipe for being a dad. There is no one right way to
be a father. What is important is to work out what is going to
work for you. How you work it out will depend on:
- what you expect to do as a dad
- what your children's mother expects
- what your partner expects if she is not your children's
mother
- whether you are living with your children all of the time
or some of the time or whether they live with their
mother and visit you
- the way you and your partner balance work and family
responsibilities
- the good things that you want to keep from what your own
father did
- the things that you see other fathers do
- what your own children want and need.
The most important gift that you can give to
your children is your love. This means getting to know them and
sharing who you are as a person.
SOME THINGS THAT ALL DADS
CAN DO
- Talk about your feelings so that your children
learn that it is alright for men to talk about feelings.
Talk about when you feel sad and happy.
- Spend time with your daughters. You are the first
man that your daughters really know. It will help them to
feel good about being female if they see that you enjoy
your time with them. You are helping them to learn how to
expect men to treat them when they grow up.
- Show your sons the ways that you would like them
to be when they are men. To learn this boys need to spend
time with men. They will learn much more from what you do
than from what you say.
- Enjoy your children's company.
- Take your children to work with you sometimes if
you can. Let them get to know how you spend your days
when they are not with you.
- Being out of work and money worries can make
problems for parents. But being out of work may mean that
you have time to give to your children. Make it special
so they will remember it all their lives.
- Comfort them. Children, even tiny babies, often
get a special feeling of security from being comforted by
their dads when they are frightened or upset.
- Play with your children. Fathers often enjoy rough
and tumble play. Children can learn a lot from this sort
of play with their fathers. They learn that you can be
strong and yet not too rough to hurt others. They learn
that you can get excited and yet you can stop before
things get out of hand.
- Help your children with their sport or hobbies.
- Share your own interests and hobbies with them.
- Share your child's life. Go to school and
preschool parent nights, to the doctor, to the park and
to watch their sport.
- Encourage your children to explore the world and
find out about new things to do and try.
- Teach your children about rules and laws. Teach by
what you do, as well as what you tell them. Stick to what
is right even if it annoys them.
- Encourage your children to stick at a problem even
if it is hard.
- Expect your children to do their best and be proud
of them when they do, but be proud of them, even when
they fail.
- Don't push your children into doing things you
wanted to do and missed out on. They need to live their
own lives.
- Show your love in different ways if you find it
hard to say you love them. It doesn't need a lot of
talking to:
- take your children fishing
- help them with their homework
- go for a walk in the park
- cheer at a school football or netball match.
What matters most for children is how
you are a dad. Even if you are not a full-time dad your children
need to know that you care about them and you will look after
them.
SINGLE DADS
There are lots of different ways of being a single dad. You
might be a dad with sole responsibility for the children, a dad
who sees your children some of the time or a dad who hardly sees
your children at all. You might be a single dad through divorce
or through death.
What single dads can do
If you are separated from your children's mother, being a
father may be hard, but there are some very important things that
you can do for your children. You are still their parent.
- Single fathers can give children a feeling of being safe
and secure by the way they look after them.
- Try not to let hurts or anger about your children's
mother spoil your relationship with your children.
Parents fighting is one of the most damaging things that
can happen for children. If you can't work something
positive out with your ex-partner, get some help for the
sake of the children.
- Keep in touch with your children even if it is painful to
have to keep saying goodbye after you see them. Your
children need your love and care even though goodbyes are
hard.
- Sometimes it might seem as if it would be easier for the
children if you did not see them. If you are a caring
father it will be good for them to see you even if the
comings and goings are difficult.
- Children will be hurt if you stay away because you are
disappointed or angry about your money arrangements.
Whatever has been arranged by adults is not your
children's fault. They still need your care.
- Be positive (or don't say anything) when you talk to the
children about their mother. If you don't do this they
will be torn between the two of you and things will be
much harder for them.
- If there are bitter court disputes and you are very
upset, try not to weigh the children down with your
feelings. None of it was their making. They need you to
care about what they need. They are not old enough to
worry about what you need. If you can't let the feelings
go, talk about it to friends and get adult support so you
can be right with your children.
- When the children are with you let them share your life.
Let them see that men can cook their food (it doesn't
have to be fancy) and take care of them. They will learn
a lot about being a father this way.
- Make the effort to learn to do things with your children.
- Children will get more out of just being with you than
expensive presents and always going on exciting outings
(although they may ask).
- Be reliable about pick-ups and drop-offs and sending back
clothes. Use "give and take" when it comes to
making arrangements.
- Try not to send messages with the children or keep asking
them questions about their mother.
- Keep in touch - often. Phone and write and remember
birthdays and special occasions. Contact them when there
are important school events such as exams, or going for a
job.
- It is OK to have different rules and ways of doing things
at your house. Children can learn to understand that
there are different ways of doing things in different
situations.
- As children get older, give permission for them to choose
to stay with their mother or at a friend's place instead
of staying with you. They need to know that it is OK with
you so they don't feel guilty.
- Try not to show that you are upset if your children's
mother gets another partner. She is moving on from the
old relationship and so can you. You will still always be
the children's father.
- All children have worries sometimes. Make it comfortable
for children to talk to you and encourage them to share
their worries as well as their successes.
- Parents have the right to separate from their partner but
they still have the responsibility to be a parent.
Children have the right to be cared for by both parents,
even if you are not together.
- Stick in there for your children.
REMINDERS
- Fathers can teach their sons to grow up to be loving and
caring and able to get on well with others by the way
they do these things.
- Girls and boys both need time with their fathers.
- Show your children that men can be gentle in a tough
world.
- Fathers have an important role in teaching their children
that it is alright for men to cry or to ask for help.
- When fathers are involved in daily care of their babies
it builds special bonds that are important to children.
- Children, as they get older, need to know that you like
them even if they choose different ways of doing things
from you.
- Even if you don't see your children a lot, you can still
build happy memories in the time you have with them.
