Becoming a parent does not come with an instruction
manual for all the things you will face. It is one of the most
important and difficult things you can do as well as one of the
most rewarding. To raise a child is an enormous responsibility
which is usually taken for granted and for which there is little
training. Most parents learn as they go, influenced by the way
they were brought up or by what they have read or watched others
do. Parenting styles may be different but we all share a common
goal. We want our children to turn into .......healthy, happy,
well adjusted, successful, honest, caring, responsible adults who
will be respectful of others' feelings and property, be able to
get along with others and be able to cope with difficulties !! It
is a lot to ask. Your children and your community rely on you to
do this well.
YOUR FEELINGS
One of the most important things in parenting is your own
attitude to it. Do you like it, do you feel scared about it or
are you thoroughly enjoying it?
As a parent you will experience a range of emotions which are
all normal and yet which can make you feel like you are on a
roller coaster ride. You will feel love, joy and pride but also
more frightening emotions which can be very strong, such as
anger, panic and hatred. Often parents feel that they are not
appreciated by their children or valued by others. Such emotions
can leave you feeling guilty as well as thinking you are not a
good parent. It is important to remember you're not expected to
be perfect and that all parents feel that they have made mistakes
at some stage. Most parents at some time feel tired and upset and
question what it is all about.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Find out what you don't know
- Be aware of how children grow and develop.
- Be wise enough to know that you can do things
differently.
- Be strong enough to say you don't know how to...
- Be big enough to ask for information or advice.
Value yourself
You are doing an important job. Be proud of the efforts you
have put in through the day, no matter how small the tasks. When
talking to friends about parenting, don't moan and groan, talk of
it as a special career.
Look after yourself
See yourself as a person first and as a parent second. Be
careful not to expect too much of yourself and of others. Take
notice of your own special talents. Praise yourself for simple
things. Don't dwell on your mistakes. Mistakes are for learning
from, not for making you feel bad.
Accept your feelings
Understand that mixed feelings are normal. At times of stress
or changes in your family you can be swamped with a range of
emotions. At these times it is important to reach out and speak
out ... to you partner, to your friends, to family members or to
someone not caught up in the emotion.
Reward yourself
Do at least one thing a day that makes you feel good. Get
someone to fill in so that you can have 'time out' to do whatever
you feel like doing even if its 30 minutes ... have a bubble
bath, read a book, kick a football.
Talk to yourself
The way in which you talk to yourself matters. If you say 'My
child is trying to get at me' or 'Why should I put up with this?'
you will react very differently than if you say to yourself
'What's happening to my child to make him behave like this?'
Trust yourself
Everyone has their own ideas about parenting and sometimes
it's easy to become confused or to feel inadequate. Listen to
other people's ideas (this is how we all learn) but do what feels
right for you. Trust your own judgement.
Work out your own values
Clear values and beliefs are very important in raising
children. Try to reach some common agree- ment with your partner
if you have a difference of opinion. A shared and clear
understanding of parenting practices makes for an easier road. If
you differ try not to put each other down.
Get support
Make sure you've got a listening ear. If you feel alone and
can't find support within your family, look everywhere until you
find someone to talk to about your concerns. Parenting is too
hard to do in isolation. Don't be afraid to ask for help ...it is
not a sign of failure...it is the smart thing to do. You will
probably find that others feel the same as you.
Check your feelings
If your feelings are making you feel miserable or guilty as a
parent, don't bottle them up,..... reach out and speak out to
someone.
Sorting and fixing
Being a parent is hard enough when everything is going well
around you, but so much more difficult when things are going
wrong in other areas of your life. If you have violence in your
home, money difficulties, ill health, arguments with neighbours
or hassles at work, you must try to sort out the problem.
Avoiding doing something about it will only make things feel
worse for you. This may mean that, for the first time in your
life, you seek advice from a professional if you have been
unsuccessful in sorting it out within your family.
Take care of your relationship
One of the best things you can do for your children is to look
after your own needs for support and love. Your closest
relationship will probably be with a husband or wife or partner,
but it may be with a special friend. Make regular time for your
adult relationship where you can be alone together, do things you
enjoy together, talk over the day's happenings, share ideas,
share feelings and just relax. These times are really important
to clear up any misunderstandings and one of the very best gifts
that you can give to your children.
MANAGING ANGER
There are times in all parents' lives when they feel very
angry. Most of the time parents manage to handle it successfully,
but sometimes the anger can be in danger of getting out of
control. Anger is always mixed with another feeling such as
guilt, frustration, sadness, feeling unwanted or feeling used.
Try to do something about whatever is causing the underlying
feeling if you can. Get to know your own body signs when anger is
building up and act before it blows up. Work out when you are
most likely to lose your cool and plan to do something different
at those times e.g. when you first get home from work.
Get some space....go outside, go for a walk or a run. If you
have very young children and no-one to mind them take them with
you.
The critical thing is to admit you are angry and deal with it
in a way that won't harm your family.
REMINDERS
- Parenting is forever, so make the foundation solid.
- Find out the right ingredients to raise a happy child.
- It is a marathon run not a short distance run so space
yourself.
- You are the most influential person in your child's life.
- Mistakes only matter if you keep repeating them.
- Don't waste time and energy feeling guilty...change what
you are doing.
- Seek help from others, but keep on believing in yourself.
