Single-Parents.net

The way in which parents handle separation and divorce has an enormous effect on the way children cope with their lives.

THE SEPARATION PROCESS

The separation process is the same process you go through when some one you care about dies: it is the process of grief. This process is painful and can take a long time, even years, for parents to come through. Although everyone experiences it differently, most people go through:

• shock and denial - things are very confusing, and it is hard to believe (or perhaps we don't want to believe) that the separation is actually happening
• sadness - a strong sense of loss, sometimes regret, sometimes guilt
• anger and blame - sometimes we blame ourselves or our partner or someone else (whether or not they actually had anything to do with the situation)
• resolution or moving forward - accepting the situation, making adjustments to life and getting on with it!

HOW CHILDREN REACT

Children go through the same grieving process as adults. However, because they probably don't really understand why it is happening they often feel:

• shocked
• angry and sad about the loss of the family unit
• abandoned or rejected by the parent who leaves
• afraid that if one parent has 'left' the other one may also leave
• confused about whether it is alright to love the parent who no longer lives with them
• guilty, as though the separation must somehow be their fault
• worried about the parent who is not living with them.

Children often don't have the words to express themselves clearly, so they show their grief in different ways. They may:

• become aggressive or 'naughty'
• withdraw
• become 'clingy'
• act younger than they are (eg children who have been toilet-trained may start to wet or soil again)
• have nightmares or find it hard to go to sleep
• change their eating patterns.

WHAT PARENTS MAY FEEL

As a parent you might feel:

• exhausted or resentful from the day to day responsibilities of parenting alone
• confused about your child's behaviour
• angry if you feel the other parent is unreliable or unfair
• lonely when your children are not with you
• afraid that your children may not want to be with you and prefer the other parent
• apprehensive about dealing with the legal process
• good because you have made plans to share the parenting and take care of your children's needs
• pleasure in having fun with your child
• glad that you have more free time

Decisions about children should be based on each child's unique circumstances.

CHILDREN'S NEEDS

All children need to feel loved by both parents. Parents need to think of children's needs before and above their own. Children need to know that both parents will still be there to look after them and be involved in their lives.

Birth to 2 years of age
Children:

• are very dependent on those who look after them
• will almost certainly be very physically and emotionally dependent on the parent who has done most of the day to day care; separation from that parent for any lengthy period can be very traumatic for the child
• have a very different understanding of time from adults; several hours can seem an eternity; the night world can also be very different (and scary) for them
• can be extremely sensitive to conflict between their parents
• will often fret for the absent parent, especially if it is the parent they feel closest to
• need short but frequent periods of contact. Overnight contact is often too stressful. When the contact parent has not previously been very involved with the child, it may be useful for the day to day parent to be present, at least at first. If this is too difficult, someone whom the child is comfortable with can help ease the situation.

3-5 years
Children:

• are a little less dependent on their parents
• usually have a basic understanding of what separation means; it can feel like a major crisis
• have more of a sense of time than younger children, but a short period of time still seems much longer than for adults
• often fret for the absent parent - things like photos and phone calls can be useful reminders
• may cope with being away from their day to day parent overnight if they are well prepared; conflict between parents will make children less likely to cope with overnight contact
• are sensitive to one parent criticising the other, and may take it as criticism of themselves
• often imagine what they don't understand. They may talk about what they wish for as if it is true so you can't always take everything they say at face value . . . they may in fact be telling their truth rather than your truth.

6-8 years
Children:

• are more able to talk about their feelings
• often fantasise about getting their parents back together
• may try and look after their parents, both the parent they live with and the parent they visit, who is often seen as being all alone
• may try to take responsibility for arrangements when their parents cannot agree
• may blame themselves for the separation
• often express their feelings through behaviour problems, learning problems at school and physical symptoms like headaches and pains
• are usually comfortable with overnight visits, holidays of a week or so, and longer periods between visits (eg alternate weekends)
• find overnight visits during the school week are often quite disruptive. They may feel that they don't know where they fit and what they are doing.

9-11 years
Children:

• can usually talk about their own feelings and are able to partly understand the experiences and feelings of others
• are often very aware of feeling in the middle
• sometimes work to get their parents back together
• sometimes take sides, becoming one parent's 'soldier', especially when the conflict between the parents is high
• can cope with contact which is less frequent and for longer periods, and can also usually cope with travelling distances to visit a parent or relatives
• need to keep up their activities, sports, other groups and friendships, so contact plans need to take into account the child's wishes and the child's activities
• can have meaningful contact with mail or phone calls.

12-16 years
Adolescence involves greater independence from parents and is a difficult time generally, so a separation can be an added burden.

Adolescents:

• need time and space to work out their own feelings about the parents' separation
• develop their own sense of right and wrong; they can be critical of either or both parents' behaviour
• can react to separation by becoming rebellious
• can easily play one parent against the other to escape parental control (eg move from house to house)
• can react with anger and rejection if pressured by either parent
• often take on a lot of responsibility for a parent, for their brothers and sisters, or for household tasks
• need flexibility so that 'contact' plans are based around the adolescent's wishes. When making arrangements both parents need to talk it over with the young people and take their wishes and activities into account.

ONGOING DISAGREEMENTS

Conflict (arguments) in families is normal. This is how we learn to deal with conflict in the world outside. Depending on what happens in our family, we can learn to deal with conflict well. On the other hand we may learn negative ways to manage conflict or learn to avoid it altogether. Children are very sensitive to conflict between their parents, and they can be badly affected by conflict which continues after separation.

Research shows quite clearly that conflict between parents is more important than anything else to how children cope with parents' separation. Children who feel that they are caught in the middle are the ones who are the most seriously hurt by the conflict.

If the conflict between parents continues, children may:

• become distressed every time they go from one parent to the other
• feel pressure to take sides
• have ongoing problems at school
• at worst, suffer developmental problems.

Children who see intense conflict or violence between parents are at risk of developing long-term emotional problems. The effect on children of seeing or hearing a parent being hurt is similar to the child being hurt herself.

MAKING DECISIONS

Parents usually know their children better than anyone else, and so are usually in the best position to make decisions about them. Indeed, part of being a parent is making important decisions for your child, usually because your child is not always able to understand what the decision may mean to him in all the different parts of his life and relationships.

Sometimes parents believe that children should make up their own minds about where they want to live and when and how often to see each parent. Some points to consider in this respect are:

• having to make decisions about such important matters as who they live with can place too big a burden on children before they are mature or experienced enough to handle it.
• the more mature the children, the more weight can be given to their wishes.
• making decisions forces children to make a choice between their parents. This usually makes them feel guilty towards the parent they have chosen not to live with. Some children choose to live with the parent they feel most sorry for, not necessarily the one they feel most comfortable with.
• children usually want to have a say in big decisions which affect their lives
• children who say they want to be the decision-makers usually realise that by making the decision they will upset at least one of their parents
• often children who try to be the decision-makers do so because they are afraid that no-one else will.

Listen and take account of your children's wishes but don't give them responsibility for the final decisions on important things, such as where to live.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

If a parent cannot accept a separation, then it is likely that the children will also have great difficulty accepting the situation.

• Let your children know you are feeling sad or upset by the separation. It is also important to reassure children that you are OK and that things will get better.
• Try to avoid criticising the other parent - it makes children feel that they have to take sides. If you can't be positive, at least be neutral in what you say. Save your criticism to talk over with an understanding friend.
• Allow your children to love you both. Make it clear to children that they don't have to choose between their parents.
• Remember that children usually want to please parents. One of the ways they do this is by telling you what they think you want to hear. 'I want to be with you' may really mean 'I want to be with you and I want to be with the other parent too'.
• Understand that children do not normally reject a parent unless they feel they have no other choice. Sometimes if the conflict between parents becomes unbearable children may reject a parent (usually the one they don't live with) as a way of surviving emotionally. Where a child has a poor or frightening relationship with a parent, they may also reject that parent.
• Show you understand their feelings towards you and the other parent.
• Try to keep your children out of parental arguments. Never ask them to be messengers. It is never a good move to question children for information about the other parent.
• Be courteous and calm at 'hand-over' times. Your behaviour in difficult situations teaches your child how to handle conflict.
• Give reassurance that you will be OK when they are away, and will be there when they return.
• Remember you can have a very good relationship with children when you don't live with them - in fact, you can become even more special to your children because their time with you is precious.
• Be prepared for children to come back grumpy from contact with the other parent, particularly when the separation is fairly new. This may not mean that they have had a bad time - it may just be that the contact reminds them that their parents are no longer together.
• The rules in the two households do not have to be the same. Children can adjust to this. However, it is important that parents don't undermine and criticise each other and so confuse and distress their children.
• Think about and talk over how both parents can 'be there' at special events, sport etc. This is extremely difficult when there is hostility between parents. Sometimes parents need to put their child's feelings above their own.
• Write down a 'parenting plan' about where your children will live, schools, holidays, church and health. (In South Australia for the parenting plan to be legally binding, you need to register it in the Family Court. Once registered you cannot change it without the court's permission.)
• Keep contact with grandparents and other relatives as this will help children feel secure.
• Introduce a new partner gradually. This will usually be an awkward time for everyone. Parents often want their children to approve of the new partner. This can place pressure on children. Don't expect them to accept your new partner if they are still grieving over the loss of the other parent and the family unit.
• Remember: arrangements about children will need to change from time to time as children grow and develop - be prepared to be flexible.