Single-Parents.net

WHEN CHILDREN GRIEVE

Some of the losses for children are the same as for adults, for example:

• when a parent dies or goes away
• family break-up
• loss of a pet
• having a disability
• loss of memories due to fire or flood or moving to a new country
• loss of feelings of privacy or safety after a break-in
• being abused, injured, burnt or scarred
• death of a grandparent
• moving house
• long periods of separation from a parent
• being in hospital.

PRESCHOOL CHILDREN - GRIEFIn the years before school, children don't understand that death is permanent.

They feel grief when they lose someone close to them. The impact of the loss may be greater in the early years because they don't really understand what is happening. They don't understand what is real and what is not real, and they may believe that their own wishes caused the person they loved to go away. Losing someone who cares for them is a major stress that takes time and care to overcome. In a way it is like losing a part of themselves.

They don't have the words to express feelings and will show them in the way they act.

EARLY YEARS OF SCHOOL - GRIEF

Children still don't really understand that death is permanent and that the person who has died will not come back.

They may need to hear what has happened many times over. Some children feel responsible for the death or separation and think it was because they were naughty. They may also be worried about who will look after them, eg if they have lost a parent they may worry about losing the other parent as well. They may be very matter-of-fact in the way they talk about death and want lots of information, such as what happens to the body. They usually don't have the words to say how they feel and will show it in behaviour and play.

LATER PRIMARY SCHOOL YEARS - GRIEF

Children can understand that death is permanent. They can also understand why death happens, eg illness, accident or old age. They can talk about their feelings better although they might not always do so. They are less likely to blame themselves for what has happened but they might blame others, eg blame one parent for a divorce.

They have a strong sense of right and wrong and might have strong views about what has happened. They may be interested in life after death and religious explanations. They may still want to know all the facts about what happens to the body or details of an accident.

As they get older they are more able to understand what other people are going through as well.

HOW CHILDREN SHOW THEIR GRIEF

Children don't have the words to talk about their feelings in the way that adults do. They may not even really know what they feel. Some of the ways they show grief may be:

• physical pain such as stomach aches or headaches
• sleeping problems, bad dreams
• eating problems, eating too much or too little
• being destructive
• acting like a younger child
• the way they play
• not being able to concentrate for long
• problems with school work
• being clumsy
• easily upset
• being "mean" to others
• "switching off", acting as if they haven't taken in what has happened
• acting more like an adult
• showing fears
• anger or aggression to friends, parents or toys
• temper tantrums (too much feeling)
• low self esteem and self blame
• playing the same thing over and over
• tendency to think the person who has gone is perfect
• crying and giggling without obvious reason
• clinginess - wanting to be near adults
• running away, not wanting to go to school, stealing
• fear of separation.

Family Loss

• The adults who love them may not be available to support the children if the adults are very upset themselves.
• There are strange situations to cope with eg funerals.
• The routine of their lives is suddenly changed.
• People around them act differently.
• Children might be asked to be different eg to be quiet, to be helpful, to be good.
• They are not sure what to think or do.

Special Note
Professional help is needed if a child talks of not wanting to live or being better off dead.

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO

• Give clear and truthful information to children in a way that they can understand. Don't forget that children need to know what is happening even if they don't ask - sometimes parents are so busy with their own needs that children can be overlooked. Children may not seem sad when you think they should be, because they still don't have the skills to understand what it all really means. You need to understand that this isn't a lack of being sensitive, it is just the stage they are at.
• Allow children time to talk, ask questions and share worries with a caring adult. They might be very confused and need to ask lots of questions. If you can't talk about it, find another adult who is close to your child who can. If children can't talk about the loss, they might feel that it is not safe to talk about it and continue to have muddled and scary feelings.
• Provide a safe environment where your child feels able to express feelings in whatever way he can. Help him to find ways to show his feelings with play, writing a letter, a story or a poem.
• Try to open the way if a child feels unable to talk about his feelings. Say something like "Some things are really hard to talk about, but talking can help. If you ever want to talk about what has happened, let me know".
• Share your grief. Parents may lie to children to protect them. If you don't tell them what is happening and share your grief you may prevent them from grieving. This can cause problems when they have other losses in their lives.
• Keep as many of the family routines as you can. Too many changes will add further stress. Doing the same things as usual helps children to feel safe. Allow times for extra closeness and comfort.
• Keep to some rules about what children are allowed to do. If you think they are taking advantage of the situation you will start to feel angry and that won't help.
• Share your own grief with your children. Children will feel more normal about their own feelings if they see that you are sad too. (If you are really distressed it may not be wise to share feelings with children because it is important that they know that you are in control and can keep them safe).
• Get support for yourself. Talk with your partner or a friend. Some agencies offer personal grief counselling. For some people spiritual support will help.
• Remember that children grieve in bursts. They have their own individual reactions, but they feel the loss just as much as adults.

Note. Children's grief can affect adults personally, especially if they are grieving themselves or it is a reminder of a past loss. If this happens you need to talk about it or perhaps get professional help.

REMINDERS

• Keep to family routines as much as you can to give security.
• Let the teacher or child care worker know what has happened.
• Don't rely on your child for support. You need to support your child.
• Be honest, trustworthy and reliable.
• Give your grieving child special times with you to talk about feelings.
• Children need to know that important other people in their lives are going to be there for them.
• Children don't show their grief in the same way as adults.
• The biggest need for children who have a loss is that they are supported and cared for and have someone to talk to about it.