Parents often worry about brothers and sisters
quarrelling. A certain amount of quarrelling is normal for
children in families. It is one of the ways that they learn how
to get on with other people. Quarrelling can be positive.
Sometimes, however, you will need to step in when tempers become
frayed and you can see that things are getting out of control.
WHAT CAUSES QUARRELLING?
Learning to get on with others
Arguments between brothers and sisters are one of the ways that
children learn to respect other people's belongings and feelings.
It is one of the ways children learn to solve problems. Learning
to argue fairly and without hurting each other will help them get
on with others.
Parents' attention
- Children in families also fight about parents' love. To
children love means time and attention. If you seem to
have more time for one child than you do for another,
they are likely to be jealous.
- Often an older child who feels hurt and angry will try to
get at a new baby or younger child in some way. If the
parents then rescue the younger child (as they have to)
and at the same time punish the older child, it makes the
older child feel more unloved and misunderstood.
- This can become a habit, where one child always seems to
be the one who starts the fights. The parents feel that
they should rescue the child who is being picked on. This
makes the one who "started it" feel worse, and
so this child will start another fight when the chance
comes.
Remember the child who seems to start the quarrel is not
always the one who does so. Often one child will do something
to annoy the other child knowing he will retaliate and then get
into trouble.
WHAT PARENTS CAN DO
Here are some steps you can take to help prevent quarrels.
- Protect the needs of each child eg prevent older
children's activities from being interfered with by
younger children and vice versa.
- Spend special time with each child on a regular
basis.
- Allow each child to own some special things of their own
that they don't have to share.
- For younger children, see that there are more than one of
the same toys such as matchbox cars so that they can play
together without having to share. Two second hand
tricycles are often better fun than one new one that has
to be shared.
- If you have three children make sure that the same one is
not left out every time. Invite other children over.
- Children need their own bit of space which will not be
interfered with by others, even if it is only a drawer.
- Try not to compare children with each other - this always
leads to bad feelings.
- Be generous with hugs and affection to all your children.
- Make ground rules. Get your children to help you make
some rules about what behaviour is not allowed in your
home eg name calling or hitting. Then if you have to step
in, you do so because someone has broken a rule, not to
take sides.
- When you can see that children are feeling upset, help
them to find ways to express their feelings through
talking about them. Play that helps with feelings
includes water play, painting, playdough. For older
children and adolescents it may be something like going
for a run or playing their music. Talk with them about
what helps them.
Children need you to teach them how to solve problems, to
listen to each other and then to look for solutions that are fair
to both.
WHEN YOU HAVE TO STEP IN
Remember that it is sometimes better not to step in but to
let your children learn to sort things out for themselves. They
don't always need an umpire! Step in when behaviour is harming
one of the children or things are getting out of control.
- Be aware of your own feelings. If you are feeling angry
with one child or more loving towards one particular
child, make allowance for this so that you are fair.
- If children come to you for help to sort out a problem,
try not to take sides. Remember you probably did not see
it start. If tempers are not out of control listen to
each child so that each feels heard. Tell them that you
understand that it is a difficult problem. Then tell them
that you think that they can sort it out for themselves,
and you would like to hear what they decide to do to make
things better. You might have to remind them of the
family rules.
- If they still need help to sort out the problem try to
help them work it out together. Help them to listen to
each other's feelings and try to work out ways to solve
the problem. For example, if they are fighting over a TV
program you might say: "Joe wants to watch this
program and Maria wants to watch the other one. What are
some things you can think of to do that would be
fair?" You might have to help with suggestions at
first. When they have agreed on a solution, give it a try
and then check to make sure it is working. If not, have
another try at working it out. This is good training for
when they are older and need to be able to solve their
own problems.
IF YOU NEED TO TROUBLE-SHOOT
- Sometimes tempers are getting high and you will need to
help.
- With a young child who is about to hurt another child,
quickly separate them. Keep the child who is angry with
you for a while or find her something different to do
until she has calmed down.
- With older children you may have to separate them until
tempers cool. Remember that separating children does not
solve the problem. When the children are feeling more
calm, help them to work out a way to do things
differently.
REMINDERS
- Don't try to treat your children exactly the same as each
other. Let each child know that he or she is unique and
special.
- If children ask whom you love best, tell them that each
of them is special to you in their own way and that
no-one could replace them.
- Don't compare children with brothers or sisters.
- Don't label children eg as difficult, the cause of the
trouble etc.
- Teach children to say how they feel with words not
actions.
- Don't look for someone to blame. Look for ways to do it
differently next time.
- Children need to know that you understand how they are
feeling.
- Help children to find other outlets for their feelings
through play.
- Remember it takes two to quarrel.
Important note
Being jealous of parents' love for the other children in the
family can be a major cause of stress for children.
As a parent you will not always feel the same towards all your
children. It is natural for parents to feel like this some of the
time, sometimes all of the time. Parents often feel guilty about
this but love is a feeling that you can't force. What matters to
children is how you treat them.
Love can never be shown in exactly the same way for every
child but each child needs to feel sure of being loved.
