Single-Parents.net

GETTING TO KNOW YOUR BABY

In the first months of life your baby is a traveller in a very strange world that she understands nothing about. In these months she needs to learn that her world is safe and that there are people who will look after her. She does this when you meet her needs for food, comfort, warmth and love as well as you can. When you do this she is learning to love you and to trust you. She also is learning that she is lovable and able to do things.

• She needs you to talk to her about what you are doing as you change, wash and feed her; to hold and stroke her; to let her sleep when she is tired.
• She needs you to learn her little signs that show what she needs and for you to answer them.
• She needs to learn to know what is happening in her world because you always tell her when something is going to change - that you are going to pick her up, change her nappy or feed her - long before she can understand the words..
• She needs to be starting to learn that she can do things, very simple things at first like making a noise when she hits a rattle.
• If you think she is fun and enjoyable she will learn to feel good about herself.
• If you enjoy feeds and spend time talking to her and playing with her she will be starting to learn to enjoy being with people.

Your baby is learning lots of things from you, even at this early age.

• Crying is one of the most worrying things for parents.
• Often you are not sure why your baby is crying or what is needed.
• Sometimes it seems that nothing you do helps. Sometimes parents even start to think that the baby is just crying to annoy them!
• Babies do not know about how others might feel when they are crying - they only know they are miserable.
• As you get to know your baby, you will learn what the different cries mean. This is not easy with many babies and you may just have to experiment to see what helps.
• Your baby will learn to feel safe and cared for because you come and feed her or comfort her. or do whatever she needs.

Some reasons babies cry are:

• being hungry or thirsty
• being too hot or too cold
• needing comfort
• not being well
• needing a nappy change
• having pain (eg tummy ache or earache)
• being frightened or lonely.

Babies under 6 months old or so do not cry to make you come because they are not old enough to remember you when you are not there. They cry because they need something, but they don't know what they need. You can learn to find that out by trying out what makes your baby feel better. If you attend to babies' needs when they cry they will learn that the world is a safe and friendly place to be, so as they get older they will cry less.

• making sure your baby is not hungry or uncomfortable
• picking up your baby and holding her close if she is frightened or lonely
• sometimes holding your baby upright against your shoulder if she is uncomfortable
• rocking or pushing the stroller over a little bump may help
• finding out what your baby seems to like. Watch for what happens when she is more settled and you will learn to know her and what she needs
• some babies are helped by a dummy and some like music or sounds like a clock ticking.

Babies over 6 months or so may cry from being uncomfortable or hungry, or because they remember you when you are not there and they know how important you are to them. This is sometimes called separation anxiety. It is normal and a part of their love and trust for you. They gradually learn that you are there for them and you won't leave them for long and so they start to feel safe when you are not there, but this takes time. Often babies at this age wake at night or are harder to put to bed because they miss you and they don't yet understand that you always come back.

You can help by:

• always letting them know if you have to leave them - wave goodbye - and let them know when you return
• play little games such as Peek-a-Boo when you come and go
• try to only leave them with people they know well and feel safe with
• if you need to reassure them at night try putting a bed in their room so you can lie down and get some rest or sleep as well.

SLEEPING

The amount of sleep babies need varies a great deal between babies. It gets less as the baby grows. Some babies sleep better where they can be very quiet, others seem to settle best with ordinary household sounds around. Some babies sleep better if they are wrapped in a sheet, others like their arms loose. It is important for all babies to sleep on their backs. Using a little routine when you are putting your baby down will help your baby to learn about going to sleep. As he gets older you might try something like a little song (or prayer), kiss everyone goodnight, find the dummy (if he has one) and then a special kiss from you.

DISCIPLINE

Discipline is about teaching and there are lots of things you can teach babies as you care for them. Punishment is not useful for babies because they don't understand why they are being hurt and it is likely to make them afraid of you when they need to be learning to trust you. After they are 6 months or so you can say "No" and give a simple explanation when your baby is doing something wrong. For example: "No - that hurts". But don't expect your baby to be able to really learn what to do and what not to do for many months yet.

It is very important not to shake a baby because it can cause brain damage. If you are feeling very angry, put your baby somewhere safe and take a break until you can get back in control of your feelings.

PLAY

Babies enjoy little games with parents from the time they are very young and these games help them to learn about the world. Some games for young babies include:

• mimicking games eg baby pokes her tongue out and you do it back (leave plenty of time for baby to take her turn)
• simple little songs and rhymes while you rock or gently jiggle your baby on your knee
• brightly coloured mobiles that move in the breeze and your baby can look at - you can make them yourself by hanging coloured shapes from a coat hanger
• a walk outside in the stroller
• time on the floor on the tummy to kick (always supervised)
• gentle stroking or touching games (with rhymes)
• things that they can hit or push that make a noise.

Remember not to play "rough" games with babies such as throwing them up in the air, pulling them by an arm or playing loud music. These could really hurt your baby.

• Many new parents feel very happy about the changes in their lives. There can also be some less happy feelings that sometimes you don't think you should have.
• Some parents may be disappointed in the sex of the baby or resentful if they weren't wanting another child.
• It can be hard coming to grips with things you weren't prepared for such as a premature baby, a baby with a disability or a multiple birth.
• It can be very upsetting to have your baby crying and not be able to stop it - sometimes so upsetting that you feel like hurting your baby or just leaving.
• It can be a worry that there isn't so much time to keep your home tidy or to enjoy time together as a couple if you have a partner.
• Sometimes fathers feel shut out because all the mother's attention seems to be going to the baby.
• Parents may worry about how they will be able to afford all the extra costs.
• Mothers sometimes get very sad, tired and irritable and can't seem to shake it off. If any of these feelings are happening to you it is important to talk about them with your partner, a close friend or your doctor.

• Going to babies when they cry does not spoil them. They are likely to cry less later on if you respond quickly when they are young.
• Remember babies do not sleep all the time and they sleep less and less as they grow. When they are awake they don't just like to lie there looking at the ceiling. They like company, just as adults do.
• Watch for and enjoy the little changes as your baby grows and learns.
• Sometimes you get different advice from all sorts of people. If it feels right for you and your baby is happy it is probably OK. If you are in doubt ask someone with current knowledge about babies.
• Don't be ashamed to ask for and accept help from people around you. Everyone needs help sometimes and when you have a new baby is one of these times.

• All new parents need support and if you are parenting on your own this is even more important. Don't be ashamed to say yes when anyone offers to help you.
• Make sure you take some time out for yourself and to do some things with your partner or a friend.
• Take care of yourself. Make sure to do some things you enjoy regularly, get some exercise and eat well.
• If you feel desperate when your baby is crying, make sure she is safe and then leave the room until you feel better, play some music, make a cup of tea, ring someone who understands or do whatever helps you.
• If you feel you need a smoke, go outside. Smoke can be harmful to babies. This might not be an easy time to give up smoking but you will be healthier if you can.
• If you find you are feeling "down" and irritable most of the time, talk it over with your doctor or someone at your local community health centre.

Don't be too proud to ask for information or advice. All parents at some stage find parenting difficult. It is not a sign of failure.

Note: This topic gives some practical suggestions and information about health and illness. It is important to see your doctor if you are worried about your child's health as information about a particular illness may not exactly fit for your child.