Adolescence can be a challenging time for young people
and their families. The teenager is going through rapid physical
and emotional changes. Parents and adolescents must make changes
in their relationships to adjust to this new stage. The
adolescent goes backwards and forwards between wanting freedom
and at the same time still needing the security of the family.
Parents want their children to grow to happy independence yet
fear for their safety as they watch them try their wings. Parents
also have to cope with the fact that the dreams they have had for
their children may not be going to come true. Teenagers have
their own dreams. Good relationships with your teenagers will
help you and them to weather the ups and downs, but they will
need more effort than in the past.
WHAT PARENTS CAN DO
SPEND TIME WITH YOUR TEENAGER
This is often hard to arrange as young people will want to
spend a lot of time with their friends. You may have to be very
flexible yourself in order to make sure it happens. Here are some
suggestions for special times.
- Mealtimes - if the family eats together, at least on some
occasions, you can share successes, ideas and interests.
- Driving them somewhere in the car. Offering to be
chauffeur gives you a good opportunity for time together.
Teenagers often talk more easily when not looking at you
face to face.
- Bedtime. A visit to their bedroom for a short bedtime
chat can be very relaxing.
- Coffee Time. Use a few spare minutes to offer to take
your teenager out for a coffee or milkshake (probably at
a shop where their friends don't usually go). Teenagers
are often embarrassed if their friends see that they are
out with a parent.
It isn't easy to find special times but it's worth it!
TAKE AN INTEREST IN THEIR
INTERESTS - AND SHARE YOURS
- Try really listening to some of their music and then talk
about the songs you like best.
- Go to watch their sport or activities.
- Watch their favourite TV shows with them sometimes -
without being too critical.
- Try sharing something about your work or your interests
as you would with an adult friend.
- Share something about your own adolescence (without
preaching!)
- Take them to a movie that you would both like (or go to
one of theirs and talk about it.)
LISTEN TO THEM
When young people talk to parents they often get advice,
reassurance or a sermon before they have had a chance to really
say how they feel. This not only stops communication, it also
discourages teenagers from finding their own ways to deal with
problems. The most helpful responses from parents are ones that
show interest and open the way for the adolescent to talk on,
such as:
- "How come?"
- "You must have felt..."
- "Wow"
- "That sounds exciting...."
RESPECT THEIR PRIVACY
- Give them some space of their own. Don't enter their
rooms without permission.
- Don't go through their diaries or drawers in their
absence.
- Don't pry for information except where it is important
for you to know to make sure they are safe. For example
it is OK for you to ask young teenagers to let you know
where they will be when they are not at home.
SHOW YOUR LOVE FOR THEM
Love needs to be continually shown in order to be felt.
- Tell your teenagers often that you love them.
- Show your love by touching and hugging (teenagers who say
they are too old for hugs will often accept a quick hug
before they are fully awake in the mornings, or will like
to have their aches massaged after sport).
- Put little treats in the lunch box sometimes.
- Buy something on a shopping trip that says "I was
thinking about you".
- Go out of your way to help them with special projects.
- Pick them up from outings on the other side of town.
- Leave a note on the pillow saying "I love you"
or "You are special" or telling them that you
felt proud of something they have done.
MAKE SPECIAL MEMORIES
Doing special things together can have lasting effects.
- Take a friend for your teenager with you on a holiday.
- Take the family to a special show you would not usually
go to.
- Explore a special place with your adolescent.
- Create traditions that are special to your family eg a
special way that you always celebrate birthdays.
- Make sure that your teenager feels part of the wider
family eg by sharing family occasions. (Many teenagers
groan about these for a while but they are also part of
their security).
- Make a collection of photographs of family and friends,
over their childhood and growing up years, and hang them
on a wall.
HAVE FAITH IN THEM
- Let them know they are special.
- Ask their advice about something they know a lot about
(eg how to program the video).
- Display their photographs and crafts.
- Keep a scrapbook of their special achievements.
- If they make mistakes have faith that they will do better
next time.
REMINDERS
- All of the above take time - which is often hard to find!
But putting in time will pay back in terms of your
teenagers' behaviour and self esteem and relationship
with you!
- However much they ignore or make fun of your efforts,
adolescents need more than ever to know that you love
them and believe in them.
- They need ongoing attention.
- Take some time out from being a parent in order to be a
friend!
- Remember to keep their confidences (even if they don't
always keep yours!).
- Take some time out for yourself. Start thinking about
your dreams for yourself when your children grow up.
- Remember also that no parent is perfect and that perfect
parents would be very hard to live up to!
