Between the ages of one and three years your toddler's
world is growing rapidly. This is a time of many changes for
toddlers. The most important learning for your children in these
years is that they are separate, independent people. Many of the
troubles that some parents experience with their two year olds
are because children are struggling with learning to feel
independent. At the same time they are still babies in many ways
and need a lot of parental support.
IT IS NORMAL FOR
CHILDREN OF THIS AGE
- to want to say "no"
- to get cross and rebel sometimes
- to want to make some choices for themselves
- to find it hard to cope with changes
- to want to feel very secure and safe but at the same time
to try out new independence
Sometimes when they are on the way to learning self control
children will say "No! No! No!" to themselves while
they do something that is forbidden. They are not deliberately
being disobedient. They are on the way to learning what they must
not do, but haven't quite got there yet.
All of this is saying "I am a separate person, I am
me!"
WHAT PARENTS CAN DO
Your children may need you to help them learn to be
independent and feel good about themselves. At the same time you
don't want them running wild or a life that is full of battles.
Life for the toddler is full of frustration so the smoother
parents can make it, the better it is for all.
Make your home safe and enjoyable
- Make your house as childproof as possible.
- Have as few rules as possible. It is better to put your
good things away than to always be stopping a toddler
from touching them.
- Make interesting changes every now and again eg a pile of
cushions to climb over, a cardboard box tunnel to crawl
through, a cubby house under the card table.
- Make sure that there is a place and space for your child
to explore and run every day.
- If children have to go somewhere in the car or wait in a
waiting room, take some toys to keep them busy.
LEARNING TO BE INDEPENDENT
- Make up fun games where your child can practise saying
"No" eg "Does Daddy sleep in the
bath?" "Does the cat say moo?"
- Don't give your child a choice if there isn't one. For
example if you have to pick up an older child from
school, don't ask your toddler if she wants to come. Say
"We're going to the school in the car now".
- If there is something she does not want to do, try to
make a game of it. You could say "See if you can
race me to the bath". Or put a few drops of food
colouring or bubble bath or a boat in the bath to make it
more attractive.
- Distract instead of ordering. For example try saying
"Would you like a story now?" rather than
"Stop doing that".
- Give simple choices, eg with food and clothes. "Do
you want to wear your blue shirt or your red shirt,
today?" (Some young children find it very difficult
to make choices for a while and may need you to choose
for them.)
- Be positive. For example instead of saying "Don't
slam the door" say "I know that you can shut
the door quietly, let's see you do it". Then give
praise for learning a new skill.
- Give clear messages to your young child. If you just say
"No", she may not know what you mean. Tell her
exactly what you want her to do in simple words. For
example: "Don't turn the knobs on the TV, they will
break." Give her something else such as an old radio
to practise with. (You may have to physically move her
away from the TV, or put the TV in the playpen!).
- If your child refuses to come with you and there is no
time to use any of the above methods, pick her up and
carry her, don't threaten to leave her. This is very
frightening for young children.
- Time out methods of discipline are not appropriate for
under three's as they do not understand what it means.
Time out can add to fear of separation. (Time out is when
you put a child by herself for a short time to think
about what she has done wrong.) If necessary keep the
toddler with you for a while.
TODDLERS AND PARENTS
Parent preference
Sometimes a young child will become very attached to one parent and not want
to go to the other one. This can be hurtful to the other parent. It can happen
to fathers if they are away for part of the time.
- Young children learn what is safe from their mothers or fathers or closest
carers.
- If your young toddler is clinging and doesnt want to go to dad or
grandma for example, it is best not to force the issue of make a big fuss of
it.
- Make sure the child knows by the way you look and talk that you trust the
other person.
- You might try at first just noticing aloud- that the other parent is
doing something very interesting while the child still stays near the parent
he feels safe with if he wants to. Again dont push the child to go and join
in.
- Or maybe some time the two parents could do something interesting together
and the close parent could invite the child to join in if he likes.
The main things are that the child knows that the parent he feels safe with
thinks the other person is OK and that you dont make too much of it; and
either overwhelm the child or tease him for his fears. You need to tread the
line between being over-sympathetic so the child thinks there is something to
fear, and pushing the child into something he is still a bit scared of. It is a
normal part of moving out into the world to make sure of the safe base before
you try new things and relationships.
Parents can easily feel rejected by children. It can be very painful and you
can fear that you will lose your special place in your childs life. However,
remember that parents are forever, you are the only parents they have and your
relationship will grow over a lifetime.
Another kind of preference when the child becomes a little older is when a
boy or girl prefers the parent of the other sex.
This is part of normal development usually around three or four years
of age. The young girl may say she wants to marry her father when she grows up.
Or the boy may really prefer his mother.
The child needs to know from both parents, (or one if you are on your own),
that you love her and think she is very special, but that you have grown up
relationships as well. And when she grows up she will have grown-up
relationships of her own and she will find someone special like her dad to
marry or be her partner. Parents help by showing that they really value the
child as a boy or girl but not joining in any make-believe that lets the child
think she can come between them. This can be very hurtful to the child as it
makes her feel guilty.
If you are parenting alone it is a good idea not to share your bed with
children after about this age as this can help them to get muddled between
whether they are your child or your special friend.
FEELINGS
- Label feelings for your young child so that she learns
that feelings are something that you can talk about. For
example you could say: "You're feeling sad because
Daddy had to go to work".
- Separate feelings from behaviour. For example you might
say "I know you feel cross but you must not hit.
When you feel cross you can tell me". Your child
will not understand all of this at first but it is very
important learning.
- Read stories that show children with different kinds of
feelings - angry, happy, sad, afraid etc.
- Begin to help children understand the difference between
their own feelings and other people's. For example you
could say "It hurts Jenny when you hit her, let's
touch her very gently and make her feel better". It
takes many years to learn this well but you can start
when your child is very young.
FEARS
The world can seem very fearful to children of this age,
because there are lots of things they don't understand yet. They
don't understand:
- that you will come back soon - because they don't
understand time
- that they can't fall down the plug hole in the bath -
because they don't understand size and space
- that they can't lose parts of their body if they are hurt
- because they don't yet understand their bodies are all
part of them
- that the monsters in their dreams won't get them -
because they don't yet understand what is real and what
is not.
Helping young children with fears
- Fears about cuts and bruises. Put a band
aid on sores and hurts even if you don't see the need for
it.
- Fears about going down the plug hole.
Let the child bath in a baby bath for a while, or at
least don't pull out the plug while he is still in the
bath. Let him use a potty instead of the big toilet.
- Fears about nightmares. If he has a
nightmare tell him that "It is only a dream".
Comfort him.
- Fears of monsters. Tell him that there
are no monsters. Don't look for monsters under the bed,
because he may think that you believe there are some
there to look for.
- Fears of separation. Let your child have
his comforter or dummy when he needs it. They help
children to deal with fears. Children usually need to
keep them until they are three or four years old.
- Fear of the dark. Stay with your child
to reassure him. Perhaps use a night light. Let him sleep
in the same room as a brother or sister or parent for a
while.
- Let him know that you understand, and you don't think
he's silly or babyish. Keep to bedtime routines eg the
same number of kisses goodnight or the same story.
- If fears are really interfering with a child's life talk
it over with a counsellor who works with children.
Special Note:
It is never useful to force children to face their fears.
Mostly they grow out of them, with lots of support and
understanding.
REMINDERS
- Try to avoid battles.
- Understand that your child needs to test out her
independence against you.
- Focus on the things that please you about your toddler
and tell her often!
- Get some time out for yourself if you can. Toddlers are
exciting but tiring.
