Single-Parents.net

CHILDREN'S FEELINGS AND BEHAVIOUR

Generally speaking it is likely that infants, children and young people are developing well when they enjoy:

• play
• being with others in the family
• being with friends and other children and young people of their age.

Everyone feels sad, angry, afraid or upset sometimes, especially when things have gone very wrong for them. Not every one will respond to the same event in the same way. Some children may want to talk a lot about something they have found distressing, others may keep their feelings more to themselves. Most children show feelings in the way they act; their behaviour will tell you how they are feeling. It is important to understand this and allow for differences, but also to notice when a child seems to be sad or angry much of the time. This is when she needs your help.

Some children cope better than others with stress or things that upset or frighten them. The support and understanding they have from people around them is extremely important in helping children cope with problems.

COMMON PROBLEMS

Children can have problems with behaviour and with feelings at different times in their lives. These problems happen more often than most people might think. Studies have shown that one in five children and young people will have this kind of problem at some time. Children are most at risk of serious problems between the age of 12 and 16 years, however they can begin at a very early age. They can become worse over time if the child or adolescent does not get any help.

Some of the kinds of problems children and young people may have.

PROBLEMS WITH BEHAVIOUR

Behaviour problems are usually easily seen. They include ongoing aggression and bullying, refusal to cooperate or do what they are asked and being cruel to animals when they are old enough to understand.

PROBLEMS WITH FEELINGS

Problems with feelings are often not so easy to see as problems with behaviour. They include ongoing anxiety (or worry), depression, phobias (ongoing fear of a particular thing e.g. spiders, or burglars) and bulimia and anorexia nervosa (eating disorders).

PROBLEMS WITH THINKING

These problems are often more serious. They include illnesses such as schizophrenia. These are much less common and affect only about one person in a hundred. They usually don't happen until late adolescence.

SUICIDAL BEHAVIOUR

Nine out of ten adolescents who commit suicide have some signs of problems, usually depression. If you have a teenager who seems depressed or who has ongoing behaviour or mood changes it is important to talk to someone about it.

WHAT CAUSES PROBLEMS?

There can be many things involved including:

• what your child has inherited (genes)
• school or learning problems
• problems with friends
• emotional, physical and sexual abuse
• death or loss of someone very close
• serious illness or physical injuries
• family separation and divorce
• violence in your child's family
• unemployment
• homelessness.

HOW CAN PARENTS RECOGNISE THE SIGNS?

Generally a problem shows when children or young people have ongoing distress or when their ability to cope, to get on with others, or to keep an interest in what they are doing is affected.

Signs in pre-school children and toddlers:

• not playing
• not starting to talk or not talking after your child has learned to talk
• harming themselves
• going backwards in their learning eg toilet training etc.
• not growing and putting on weight
• being over friendly with everyone, treating strangers the same as family
• not relating to others, acting as if people were not there
• not seeming to be attached to parents
• doing the same play or activity over and over again.

Signs in primary school age children:

• constant crying and clinginess
• anxiety about being left alone
• regular refusal to go to sleep
• hyperactivity; constant movement beyond regular playing
• persistent nightmares
• marked fall in school performance
• unexplained laughing or crying
• school refusal
• ongoing disobedience or aggression
• being so afraid as to be unable to do usual activities
• daydreaming so much that it interferes with usual activities
• frequent temper tantrums
• cruelty to pets
• fire setting.

Signs in primary age children and adolescents:

• becoming a loner
• marked change in school performance
• abuse of alcohol and/or drugs
• changes in sleeping and/or eating habits
• truancy, stealing, vandalism
• great fear of becoming obese when there are no physical signs of being overweight
• hearing or seeing things that are not there
• depression, unhappiness and being irritable, poor appetite, sleeping difficulties and thinking about death
• frequent outbursts of anger.

While most parents believe they could recognise if their child is depressed, studies of adolescents have shown that at least one third of young people do not have their depression detected, and do not get the support they need. If your teenagers behaviour and mood has changed, it may a good idea to see if he or she will talk to you about feelings, sadness, loneliness and other feelings that happen with depression.

Important note:

If your child has any of the above signs, or if you are worried about other behaviours or feelings, it is important to get professional advice from someone who works with children and young people. As a first step you could talk to your local doctor, or some one at your nearest Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service. Early help can often prevent more serious problems later on.

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO

• Know your own children well, so you notice any changes in their feelings or behaviour.
• Set regular time aside to talk to your children and listen to any worries they might have.
• Take an active and regular interest in what your children or adolescents are doing at school or other activities which they enjoy. Support them when you can by coaching, umpiring or just watching.
• Encourage your children to talk about what they are doing.
• Set clear and consistent rules at home. Work them out with your children when they are old enough.
• Model appropriate behaviour in your own relationship with others.

REMINDERS

• Involve your children in family activities both with fun time as well as chores.
• Spend time with your children.
• Try not to involve them in your own problems.
• Don't compare them with others.
• Use positive discipline.
• Notice the things that your children are good at.
• Encourage children's friendships.
• Let your children know that you love them in as many ways as you can.
• Remember that your children's emotional wellbeing is as important as physical health.
• Early help can prevent serious problems later on.