Single-Parents.net

WHAT PEER GROUPS CAN DO FOR YOUR TEENAGERS

Peer groups provide:

• a sense of belonging and feeling valued
• somewhere to fit in when they feel neither children nor adults
• increased self confidence because they are accepted by the group
• a sense of security and of being understood by others who are going through the same experiences
• a safe place to test values and ideas
• help in the move towards becoming independent
• practice in getting along with the opposite sex
• ways to meet new people
• friendships
• practice in learning to give and take
• influence on making decisions about their life.

PEER GROUPS AND PARENTS

Problems that peer groups may present to parents.

• Long hours on the telephone, even though they have just seen each other all day at school. Teenagers need to spend lots of time together. If they are on the telephone they are not on the streets!
• Your house can seem to be overrun with young people. If they are at your house it says that they feel comfortable with you and you can keep an eye on them.
• Some of their friends may do things that are outside your house rules. They may:
  • smoke, swear or play loud music
  • devour food in the fridge or biscuit tin
  • exert pressure to drink parents' alcohol
  • want to watch banned videos
  • want to have sexual activities in your home.

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO

• Some parents limit the time of day that their young people can have long phone calls. Others may get "call waiting" on their phone, so that if a call for them comes in, it can be taken. Keeping in mind the needs of the adolescent, you need to work out what is the best solution for your family.
• There are advantages when your teenagers' friends hang around at your house, but you need to set some house rules. Being humorous about it can take the sting out of your rules eg having smoking and non-smoking zones.
• Sometimes you can change the use of your rooms so that there is a space for adolescents, and a space for parents and any younger children in the family. This gives the adolescents some privacy that they will be grateful for and protects your sanity.
• Keep plenty of low cost food, such as bread and fruit in season, available. If necessary label what is to be kept for family meals and what is available for snacks.
• Be clear about what videos are allowed to be watched at your home and why. Teenagers get a thrill out of watching "scary" videos in a group, so allow some flexibility.
• If there is pressure on your teenagers to raid your alcohol, make the rules clear. If necessary lock it away.
• Talk with your teenagers and your partner about your values about sexual activities and what you are willing to allow in your home. There are many things that you might want to take into account eg the age of your teenagers, the nature of the relationship, where else they would go if they were not at home, and of course your own values.

OTHER PEER GROUP PROBLEMS

You may not be comfortable about your son's or daughter's choice of peer group. This may be because of their behaviour or because of some more serious risk eg that the peer group are into using alcohol or other drugs, skipping school, shoplifting or vandalising property.

What parents can do
Remember that teenagers are often sensitive and a bit "prickly" about their choice of friends. To criticise their friends is almost certain to lose some of your influence. Rather than put them off the friends it may have the opposite effect. Criticising their choice of friends is like attacking them personally.

• Keep the communication open. Be willing to listen. Find out why those friends are important to your teenager.
• Check whether your concerns about their friends are real and important. While you might feel very uneasy about them, sometimes it is better not to spend energy worrying about such things as: hairstyle, clothing, where they wear their earrings and what music they enjoy.
• If you believe that your concerns are serious, talk to your teenager about the behaviour not the friends.
• Encourage your teenager to trust her own sense of what is right. Discuss with her ways of saying "no".
• You have the right to let your teenager know what your concerns are and to ask her how she will cope if she is pressured to make risky choices.
• Talk with your teenager about the consequences of whatever behaviour is worrying you. Look at both the immediate consequences and how this will affect her future eg getting a criminal conviction.
• If you can, encourage opportunities for her to mix with other young people eg through sporting or other group activities, but don't be disappointed if she is not interested.
• Support your teenager's self esteem. Talk with her about the exciting and promising possibilities for the future.
• Sometimes a young person who seems unsuitable will choose your child for a friend because your home gives a feeling of being safe and secure. This is, of course, a compliment to you and your teenager and perhaps an opportunity to really help someone. You may be able to offer friendship and support. If you are really uncomfortable about the friend's behaviour you need to talk to your teenager about it. You are not likely to be able to break up the friendship if it is strong.
• Show your teenager that you trust her. If she breaks your trust ask her to suggest ways to earn it again. Mistakes are to learn from.

REMINDERS

• Make friends with your teenager's friends. Get to know them for yourself.
• Remember that any criticism you make, however right you are, will be seen by your teenager as judgemental.
• Keep the gates of communication open. Listen to your teenager's point of view and ask him to listen to yours.
• Let him know that if things go wrong you will be there for him.
• Remember that we are all in peer groups. It would be difficult even for adults, who have much more confidence than teenagers, to go against the peer group eg to wear a bikini to work, even if it is a hot day!