When a family breaks up it is usually difficult for
everyone. It is like a death which brings with it feelings of
grief and loss. Most people need time to get used to the changes
and each person's response to the break-up can be very different.
Parents try to grapple with their own feelings while they make
practical and very important decisions that will affect the whole
family. The best outcome for children can be reached by sharing
the responsibility and all the decisions that will affect the
children. Most parents can agree and do their best to make sure
that children do not get too upset by the break-up. For the small
number who can't talk to each other, professional help is
needed.....for the adults and the children.
COPING WITH YOUR OWN FEELINGS
You can experience a whole range of feelings that are very
normal but very confusing and often scary. If you are the parent
who chose to end the relationship there may be some sense of
relief and hope. If you are the parent who felt powerless in the
decision, there may be feelings of hurt, anger and rejection.
Your feelings may be so powerful that it is easy to overlook or
not cope with what your children need right now. Sometimes your
feelings are so intense that the break-up seems like a war...with
the need to win, especially your children. When you are so upset
try to avoid:
- seeing your children as your possessions..they are
not..they are people
- saying things that you don't mean and might regret later
- saying unkind things about the other parent
- making your children afraid that they might never see the
other parent again
- allowing your children to become "caught up" in
the adults' arguments.
WHAT IS YOUR CHILD GOING
THROUGH?
Being aware of the sort of feelings your child is going
through may help you to understand your child's behaviour.
Most children are confused and fearful about what will happen.
Sometimes they are ashamed. They might not say to you what is
worrying them because they don't want to see you upset or angry.
Who is responsible for me?.... Will the house be sold?
...What if Mum and Dad cannot agree about us? ....Can I decide
who I live with?.... Will I have to change schools?.... What will
happen to my pets?.... Can I still see my friends?... Will there
be enough money to do the things we did before?... What will I do
if my other parent leaves or gets sick?...If I am separated from
my brothers and sisters, will we still see each other?..Can I
have a say about when I see my Dad if I'm not living with him?...
Can I make phone calls at any time to my other parent?... How can
I tell my friends what's happening?
All these feelings are very normal and just as strong as your
own. The only difference is that as an adult you are in a
position to make choices and take some control over the
decisions. Your children, on the other hand, feel extremely
vulnerable and powerless. It is even more scary when children
hear you talking about going to court.. this is often linked with
doing something wrong or breaking the law.
HOW CHILDREN COPE WITH LOSS
- Some children often start to act younger than their age.
This is telling you that it is all too much (marking time
or moving backward in their development helps them get
strength for the next step).
- Some try to be really good at school and at home (it's
easy to think they are not suffering).
- Some try to stand up for the parent who is being put
down. Some try to look after the one who seems the
weaker.
- Some show anger and hostility... in play, with their
toys, with brothers and sisters, with their friends or
with you.
- Some show problems in their behaviour and get punished,
which makes them feel worse.
- Some do well at school, others can't concentrate and slip
backwards.
Children don't show their pain and suffering all at once.
They may seem to have got over it and then suddenly it reappears.
WHAT PARENTS CAN DO
- Let them know that they are loved and will be protected.
- Let them know it is not their fault.
- Tell them what is going to happen before the separation
to sort out their worries about the daily decisions such
as getting permission to go to a school camp, visiting
the dentist.
- No matter how churned up your emotions, spend time to
find out how your children are feeling (let them cry, let
them talk, let them express their anger).
- Be tolerant with their behaviours- this may be the only
way they can show how they feel (seek help if behaviour
is too difficult).
- Keep things as familiar for them as possible e.g. same
area, school, sport club, friends, pets (if this can't be
done then make sure precious and familiar belongings go
with them).
- Give them a sense of you being in control, even if you
don't feel it (this will help them feel safe).
- Let them talk over feelings or problems with other people
whom they trust, if they find it too hard to do with you.
They may find it easier to sort out their feelings
without hurting you.
- Let their teacher know what is happening.
- Avoid putting your children under pressure to reject the
other parent.
- Do not mention intimate details of the relationship.
- Try not to introduce new partners to your children while
they are still coming to grips with the break-up (this
can create more problems for children who often resent a
new person in your life).
- Make sure you have support yourself. Find someone who
understands (this is the key to get through this
difficult time).
TELLING CHILDREN
- Talk to them when they're together if this is
possible....this will save confusion.
- Take into account the age and level of understanding of
each child.
- Then speak to each separately....to make sure they really
understand and can ask questions.
- Let them know they will be kept informed of all important
decisions.
- Tell them they will need courage.
- Let them know that they can't change your decision and
they can't bring you back together.
- Remind them they have been one of the greatest pleasures
of the relationship (only if this is true).
REMINDERS
- Your responsibility to your children doesn't stop when
the family breaks up.
- Children have loyalties to both parents and need to feel
okay about being able to still love both.
- Remember it is hard for children to understand that
parents need to separate no matter how unhappy or violent
the relationship.
- Children often think that their behaviour caused their
parents to split up.
- Children often feel abandoned by the parent who leaves
and angry and blaming towards the parent left to care.
- You will put pressure on your children if you keep on
"putting down" the other parent.
- Don't make your children feel they have to choose between
the two of you.
- Make it easy for your children to keep in contact with
their relatives.
- Be patient and remember it takes a long time for
children's hurts to heal.
- Make sure each family member has a special person for
support.
- Get legal advice if you can't agree about the children or
the property.
