Single-Parents.net

One of the best things we can do is to make sure our children have accurate and honest information.

WHY TALK ABOUT SEX?

• Parents who do not talk to teenagers about sexuality can put their children at risk by keeping knowledge and helpful information from them, or leaving them open to the misinformation of others.
• Today's society forces our children to be sexually aware from an early age whether we like it or not. We cannot protect them from it but we can help by giving them information and support.
• Just as children need to have good knowledge and skills for playing sport or studying at school, they need to have good sexual education so they can be sexually healthy.
• Ideally, talking sex should start when children are very young and be done in an easy and comfortable way so that sex is seen as a natural and interesting part of life - not something to be laughed at or ashamed of.
• Sex education of teenagers is much trickier than that of younger children. How you tackle the subject will depend on whether your teenager is at the beginning or the end of adolescence. Most young people will have a lot of knowledge from a variety of sources.
• Teenagers have to come to terms with their developing sexuality and it is helpful if you support your child's sexuality as she develops.
• Sometimes we don't know what our teenagers really think about sex, what their attitudes are or what they are up to. Often they don't know as much as they think they do.
• If you find it too difficult to talk with your teenager get books, articles or a video. You might write a note explaining you are uncomfortable but that you care. You could suggest someone you both trust as a good person for your son or daughter to talk with. Give the message that you believe it is important and you are trying to do the best for them.
• Teenagers can be quite embarrassed by parents' openness and their efforts to help them, however well-meaning. They might say they don't want to talk about sex or put up a 'I know it all' barrier. It may be best to leave it for another day.

Having a good relationship with your teenager makes for much easier discussion.

VALUES AND ATTITUDES

• Each of us has our own values and personal beliefs about what we hope for our children and how we would like them to behave in their teenage years. Values and attitudes about many things are passed on easily and powerfully through our words and actions. Values about sex are learned in this way too.
• Children quickly pick up what is 'good' or 'bad' in their parents' eyes. This means that they will know how you feel about such behaviours as: masturbation, nudity, and the use of sexual language.
• Different cultures and different ages have different ideas about when people should be able to have sex and who makes a suitable partner.
• By the time children have reached their teens they will have many ideas about sex both from their family and from he outside world.
• Influences outside your home (eg. the media, film, magazines and friends) can be very powerful and are often be different from your family values.
• Sometimes too, parents have different expectations and attitudes from one another and children will notice these differences.

Teenagers are juggling all these different views and trying to find their own position. This could take a number of years and their values and attitudes will change over this time.

ESSENTIAL INFORMATION

It is important for teenagers to know that sexually healthy people of any age:

• understand that emotions and relationships are as important as the physical acts
• think about what's involved before making any decisions about sex
• know what their own values are about sex
• feel good about their sexuality and themselves
• don't feel afraid, ashamed or guilty
• have a good understanding of such things as body parts, how the body works, sexual diseases
• are comfortable with their values about birth control
• know when, where and why it is important to get medical advice
• are aware of 'safer sex' practices
• feel confident to say 'no'
• know what the law says.

Teenagers with physical or intellectual disabilities need sex education just as much as any other teenager. They could be more likely to be taken advantage of. Some may need more patience, repetition and time to understand.

• What you think and feel will have a strong influence on how you respond to your adolescent's behaviour. Your own experiences as a child and an adult, what your parents said and did, your religious beliefs, your feelings and your cultural background, all make a difference as to how you cope with this part of your teenager's life. Old memories and feelings may come flooding back ... fears, joys or painful memories can make it easier or more difficult to be a supportive parent.
• What do you think about masturbation, homosexuality, rape, abortion, sex outside of marriage? Don't let your problems become your child's problems.

• Prepare yourself for this time. See your teenager's sexuality as part of the journey into adulthood.
• Recognise that the questions and behaviours are part of becoming independent.
• Make your personal views clear but be willing to listen to their views. Teenagers who feel they have your support are more able to cope with the pressures of sexual relationships as they become adults.

• An enormous amount of sex education happens without parents' consent - in the locker room, at parties, through graffiti and jokes, movies and television. Often it is sensational and in a distorted form.
• Your teenager needs a balance to put to these images. You can be that balance.
• If you are not easy to approach, your teenager may rely on friends or other sources and get the wrong information. If your manner is offputting your teenager will not feel able to approach you when things go wrong.

Highlight the relationship angle
So much is made of getting the 'facts' across to young people that it is easy to forget about the emotional side of sex which is such an important part of the relationship between two people. When we show 'consideration' for the feelings of others and respect their views we find that getting along with others is so much easier and enjoyable.

Raising children to value and respect themselves and others goes a long way in laying a foundation for good relationships and a healthy sex life.

• Parents can convey very important sexual messages to teenagers apart from talking about 'making babies'. You have an enormous influence on how your teenager treats others. If you show that sex is never a weapon to be used against anyone and that the emotional side to sex is just as important as the physical side, you are likely to raise children who act responsibly and sensitively.
• Some families can encourage the 'double standard' by giving the impression that it's okay for boys to have sex but not girls. This can be passed on in jokes or stories. Boys benefit from the same information about sexual responsibility as girls do. Boys and girls need to learn that sexual responsibility is a 50-50 deal.
• Help your teenager to think about what she believes, what she wants and what to do if a pressure situation arises before she starts dating. Trying to work out what to do in the heat of passion may lead her to make a wrong decision.

• Parents who wait for the right time to talk to children about sex may leave it too late.
• Some parents fear that giving teenagers information will be seen as saying sex is okay. Good information is not dangerous and it helps your young people to make sensible decisions.
• Some teenagers experiment in their early teens and they clearly need accurate information before they do so.
• Adults often try to be helpful but skirt around what we are really trying to say. For example, we might say 'make sure you protect yourself' and not explain what this means.
• Encourage your teenager to get expert advice when it's necessary. This may mean a visit to the local doctor or a community health centre. Be willing to go with your teenager but be prepared if your teenager wants to go alone or asks you wait outside.

• Know what the law says. In South Australia the age of consent to sexual intercourse is 17 years for both males and females. (This means that it is against the law to have sex with someone under 17 years.)
• Be clear about what is acceptable or not acceptable in your home. For example: If your daughter's boyfriend stays overnight is it okay for him to go into her bedroom even for 5 minutes? Do you support contraceptives?
• Work out the ground rules together at a time when family members are open to talking, not during a fiery incident.
• Parents have rules about all sorts of things that happen in a family and often use consequences when the rules are broken. Making hard and fast rules forbidding sex does not necessarily mean your teenager will obey. The consequences in the area of sexuality can be serious. Your teenager who becomes pregnant or gets a sexually transmitted disease is already facing the consequences.
• Teenagers usually want to know why parents take certain stands. Sometimes you might not feel very convincing. You might want to say 'We feel it's our responsibility to help you, to protect you as far as we can, whether you like it or not!'

• Your understanding of the same word may be very different from your teenager's. 'Sex' to you may mean a range of behaviours eg cuddling, kissing, fondling, whereas your teenager might hear the same word and think sexual intercourse.
• Be clear about what you each mean when talking.
• Be prepared to talk as a friend rather than someone dictating how it must be.

• Read books and magazines. Listen to others. Talk to other parents to get fresh ideas about their ways of handling situations. Some teenage 'soapies' deal with issues which are important to young people. Sometimes watching them with your teenager can keep you up to date and be a trigger for discussing the topic.
• Many parents fear that once their teenager is an 'item' with someone this will automatically lead to sexual intercourse. While many adolescents engage in some sort of sexual activity, not all have or want to experience sexual intercourse. Most take sex very seriously.

• Think now about how you will respond to your teenager if he tells you he is having sex. Often mothers and fathers will react quite differently. Often parents react differently to sons than to daughters.
• What will you say? How will you feel? What will you do? Will both parents share the same view? Have you discussed this together?
• Ideally, your teenager needs to talk with both parents, singly or together to get a balanced view.
• You could be so taken up with your own emotions that you regret the way you react. If this happens, say you need time and take it up again after you feel more in control.

• Teenagers can ask questions which puzzle or make statements which shock. Answer questions honestly and if you don't have the answer say you will find out and get back to them, or help them to find it.
• Try and sense if there is a question behind the question. You could say 'I am wondering what made you ask that . . .?'

• You and your child may have very strong and different views. Try to be tolerant and reasonable and be willing to accept that you may not be able to shift your teenager's determined position.
• In the long run having a relationship with your child is more important than 'forcing' your ideas on her.