Single-Parents.net

For adolescents moving from childhood to young adulthood it is a time of enormous emotional and physical change. They are often torn between wanting to be independent and wanting to be cared for. This is a time when the influence of friends can be very strong. It is a time for testing values and trying new things. Often they believe that "nothing can happen to me" which allows them to take risks that older or younger people would not take.

For all these reasons there can be arguments and disagreements between parents and teenagers and some of these may lead to running away. This can be very scary for parents.

WHY TEENAGERS RUN AWAY

• Some run away impulsively after an argument. Often this is done because they don't know how to express their feelings and they believe that it will make their parents "come around".
• Some run away because they are afraid of punishment.
• Some run away because they think their home has too many rules and limits and that life in the world will be more free and exciting.
• Some run away because there is something serious going wrong in their lives. This can include abuse, neglect or parents continually fighting. Some teenagers genuinely feel that they are unwanted and unloved in their home.

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO

Parents of teenagers can feel that they have lost their influence and control and so they feel helpless when something like running away happens. You need to know that, whatever teenagers say, you are still very important to them and you do still have influence in many ways. It can be very scary for teenagers if they feel you have given up on them.

PREVENTION

• If things are starting to go wrong between you and your teenager, try to rebuild your relationship before there is a crisis. Even if there are lots of "ups and downs" make sure that your teenager knows that you love her. Try to listen to her point of view before giving yours. Talk with her about things other than problems.
• Try to find some middle ground where you can each "win" something. Leaving teenagers feeling totally powerless is not helpful.
• If your teenager threatens to run away, take it seriously. It does not help to dare a teenager to run, eg "Alright, go then, you'll be back soon enough" or to forbid it, eg "No! You're not going". Listen to how she is feeling and what her problems are. Spend time trying to work out how things can be better for her.
• You both may need some time apart for a while to avoid a crisis. Arrange for her to stay with a close relative or friend whom she trusts. Young people often do better in someone else's home for a while. This will give you a chance to rethink what is happening and try to do some things differently.
• Talk to yourself differently, eg "What can we do to make everyone in the family feel better" rather than "Why is she always making trouble?"

IF YOUR TEENAGER RUNS AWAY

• Try to stay calm. Remember most runaways return of their own accord.
• Find out what you can about your teenager leaving. Was it planned or impulsive? Did he go off with friends? Did he leave a note? What did he take with him?
• Work out whether you think your teenager is likely to be safe. Think about where he could run to and what you know about why he left.
• Contact your teenager's friends or their parents. If he is with friends, let them know that you are worried and that you want to talk with your teenager about what is upsetting him. Don't leave messages that are threats.
• Be prepared to make some changes. If things are not different he will be likely to run again. You may need a third person to "bridge" any conversation in the beginning.
• The fact that you are looking for your teenager is reassurance that you care. It doesn't mean that you have to give in on everything but that you want to discuss ways to make things better for you all.
• Have an open door attitude to his return.

If you can't find a reasonable explanation for your teenager leaving and you can't assure yourself that he is safe - Phone the police.

WHEN YOUR TEENAGER RETURNS

• Don't launch into major discussions as soon as he walks in the door. Give him time to settle and to know that you care first. Let your teenager know you have been worried and you need to talk about what has been happening.
• Allow him to "save face". Don't say things like "I knew you'd have to come crawling back!"
• Try to see the problem from your teenager's point of view. Make sure he knows that you understand his point of view before you put yours.
• Try to work together on ways to make things different. Use his ideas if possible as well as your own. Ask him what rules he thinks he could live with. You also have the responsibility to try to keep your teenager safe.
• Fight fair. Talk about the problem, not the person. For example you could say "Wagging school is....." rather than "You're hopeless and irresponsible".
• If your teenager won't talk to you, or you both talk but can't get anywhere, get someone else to help you sort it out.
• When a teenager runs away it is often a serious cry for help about a situation that is too distressing for him to continue living in. Parents need to take this seriously. If the running away is part of a problem that has been going on for a long time, reach out for help.

REMINDERS

• Keep working on building a positive relationship with your teenager.
• Try to work out rules with your teenager so he has some choices.
• Try to work out if your teenager is "running from" something or "running to" something.
• Respect your teenager's personal privacy, but remember you are responsible for her safety.
• Running away can be a sign that something serious is going wrong and it is important to get professional help.
• Hang in there. Teenagers need to know that you are there for them and believe in them.