Single-Parents.net

With all the horror stories about drugs in the press and on TV, many parents wonder why young people would even think of trying drugs. The fact is that many young people dont try them. When they do, it is usually for very ordinary reasons such as having fun or doing something different. Often people think that teenagers try drugs because they are depressed or stressed. Of the young people who are having problems in their lives, only a small proportion turn to drugs.

It seems that the longer young people wait before they first use and/or regularly use drugs, the less likely it is that problems will develop. While this can offer comfort to some parents, it is important that parents know what to do and what not to do if a drug problem arises.

HOW WILL I KNOW IF MY TEENAGER IS TAKING DRUGS?

This is the most common question that parents ask. The answer is that there is no easy, sure way to tell. This is because the effect of the drug might have worn off before you see your teenager or because the effect of the drug is not something that is easy to see. Even when there is a major change in behaviour, it could be caused by something else, such as illness.

Parents know their own children well and so you will notice any sudden change in behaviour that might be a sign that something is wrong. These changes include:

• silence and sulking
• anger towards others
• changes in mood
• more than usual lack of cooperation and rudeness
• drop in school work, or truancy
• change of friends - sudden change to a new group of friends
• change in physical appearance.

Don't jump to conclusions! Remember that there are many reasons other than drugs that might be the cause of these changes. Think about all the possible reasons for a change in behaviour. Is it due to a sudden growth spurt, or changes due to puberty? Are there problems at school or with friends? Are there things going on within your family that could be affecting your teenager?

For these reasons, it is a good idea to react to the situation in the same way you would to anything that made you feel worried about your teenager's wellbeing. In this way you won't make a tragic mistake by jumping to the wrong conclusion.

BRINGING UP THE SUBJECT

• Try to find out by communication, not detection! Detection won't give you the answers. Even if you find drugs in your teenager's room, they could belong to someone else. Don't go on searches for drugs - the cost of loss of trust will be greater than the benefit of anything you might find out.
• Make it easy for your teenager to talk to you. Try talking about someone else you know, so that your teenager sees that you are open to listen. You might say, for example: "I was talking to a friend about her daughter smoking pot. She was very worried. What do you think about it?" (Sometimes teenagers test out their parents by talking about a friend when they really mean themselves - be careful how you respond!)
• Find out about drugs for yourself first, so you know what you are talking about. The Drug and Alcohol Information Service has fact sheets on all of the common drugs.
• Try to discuss it at a time when you are both feeling relaxed. Make some private time. A good time is when you are driving them somewhere they want to go, or perhaps take them to a movie or out for a coffee.
• Say something that opens up the subject in an easy way; such as, "I have noticed that you haven't been yourself lately. Can you tell me how you have been feeling?" Most young people will let you know what is happening if you ask at the right time, if they are not afraid of punishment, and if they see you as a caring friend.

IF YOU SUSPECT OR FIND OUT YOUR TEENAGER IS TAKING DRUGS

• Don't react immediately! Give yourself time to calm down if you are upset, and to think through what is happening. Strong reactions due to fear are common but they don't help. There is a danger that a big argument about it might "back you both into a corner" and harm your relationship with your teenager.
• If you are suddenly faced with drug use, let things simmer down. Wait until your teenager sleeps it off and talk the next day.
• Give your teenager a chance to tell you what happened eg "We'd like you to give us an idea what was going on and how you got there."
• Try to separate the behaviour from the person. You may not approve of what your teenager is doing but you still need to show your love and care.
• You have the right to tell your teenager what your values are and what you will allow in your house. This can be a tricky issue and will depend on how old the teenager is. With older teenagers you may have to come to terms with the fact that they are making their own life choices. However if they won't give up the drug you still have the right to say that they are not to use it at home. Some parents tell their teenagers to give it up or they will have to leave home. If you say this, you need to be sure that it is what you mean and want. It is important to be sure that teenagers are not pushed into more risky living situations.
• Find out what kinds of drugs are being used and how they are being used. The best way to find out is to ask your teenager. Remember much drug use is for trying something new. Using drugs is not the same as being addicted to drugs. In most cases addiction to drugs happens over time after they have been used regularly. Even though some people may get addicted faster than others, it is not true to say that using drugs for a short time will always lead to addiction.
• If teenagers have to go to court, let them see that it is their responsibility. Give moral support but let them deal with the consequences of their choice, including picking up the bill, making arrangements, keeping appointments etc.
• Punishment hardly ever prevents drug use.
• Discuss with your teenagers the fact that your trust has been broken. Ask them what they think should happen and what they will do to prove that you can trust them again.
• It is important that your teenagers are clearly aware of what is likely to happen if they use drugs, such as the effect on:
  • family relationships
  • their education
  • future chances of getting work.
• Remember drugs are not the only thing which can lead to difficult decisions for parents. There are lots of times when you will have to think about what your rights and needs are and what are your teenagers' rights and needs.

GOOD PARENTING

Good parenting is important to all children and teenagers and should help young people to be healthy in all parts of their lives, including problems with drugs. However good parenting will not prevent teenagers from trying drugs. They are at an age when they make their own choices about drug use, and many other things as well. If you find that your adolescent has used or is using illegal drugs you should not blame yourself but it is a good idea to think about how supportive you have been to your teenager. Using drugs is often just part of being an adolescent.

• Start building strong bonds with your children before they are into the teens and plan interesting activities that include your children. It is hard to change your weekend activities if you are a couch potato or a workaholic, but once you start you'll find it can be really worthwhile.
• Plan for interesting times as your children enter the teen years think about what you can do to make their lives interesting. Think about your weekends. If you spend the weekend sitting around with stubbies and smoking, you are modelling to your teenager that this is the way to spend your spare time! If your weekends offer some interesting activities to look forward to, your teenagers are more likely to think of weekends as time for interesting activities.
• Encourage interest in sport. Teenagers who have other interests may be less likely to take up drugs, tobacco and alcohol (although some sports encourage it eg drinking after matches). Support their sport, take an interest in their hobbies, help them get to different activity groups that they are interested in.
• If teenagers are involved in more than one group of young people they have more resources to fall back on if one of the groups is using drugs. Support their friendships with different groups. Make their friends welcome.
• Support your children's self esteem. Tell them and show them you care about and value them. Let them see that you notice the good things they do.
• Keep the communication open and going. Listen to their ideas and opinions. Make regular time to spend with them.
• Teach responsible behaviour. Give them practice at making choices and approval for responsible choices. Gradually give your teenagers responsibility for making their own decisions.
• Give rewards for responsible behaviour eg allow them to stay out a bit later or have an extra night out.
• Talk with your teenager about rights and responsibilities, so that they understand that responsibilities come with rights. Teach the balance of rights and responsibilities. For example make sure that your teenagers let you know where they are going when they are out, but allow them to have some say about when they come in.
• Make sure that you have safe arrangements for your teenagers getting home. Have an emergency plan for a situation where they lose their money, drink too much or get into a difficult situation. For example a mobile phone to call you, permission to take a taxi and you will pay etc. (But if it happens often, think about what else is happening for your child.)
• As teenagers get older they will be making their own choices about friends and activities and groups. Your support in making their friends welcome, being interested in their hobbies and helping them get to activities, will still be very important to them.

If young people are not going to school, if they are bored, unemployed and without hobbies and interests, they are more vulnerable to drug, alcohol and tobacco use.

PEER GROUP ISSUES

• Peer group pressure is often overstated and most young people make a decision to take drugs without being forced or tricked. In fact they may choose their peer group because of what the group is doing in a number of areas including drugs.
• Young people need to see good reasons to change their peer group. The best you can do may be to encourage them not to entirely lose touch with old friends so that they have other friends to fall back on. Keeping a leg in with another peer group who doesn't use drugs is an important way to help keep drug use at bay.

If you feel your teenager is heavily involved in drugs and you are powerless to change the situation, it is important to talk to someone skilled in the area.

REMINDERS

• Remember the years between 14 and 18 are a time of vast and rapid change. Arrangements made at 15 might be out of date by 16.
• Parents who do it well are parents who communicate and listen well and who give choices, not orders.
• Make sure that you know what you are talking about when you talk with your teenager about drugs. Find out the facts.
• Choose a good time, not on the spur of the moment or when you or your teenager are not at your best.
• Anger, judging and criticising don't work. They make things worse.
• Be willing to talk honestly about the drugs you use (alcohol, medicines etc), when talking with your teenager.
• If you over-react to situations, you might jump to the wrong conclusions.
• Let your child see you as a caring friend, not the drug police.
• We should not allow the fear about illegal drugs to make us blind to the dangers of alcohol which causes a high number of deaths in young people.
• Remember drugs may not be the core of the real problem. But if things are going wrong in your teenager's life he needs your help and support.