Single-Parents.net

WHEN CHILDREN ARE READY.

• Most children are not ready to learn to control their bowels and bladder (poo and wee) until they are two years old and some not until they are three. Often boys are later than girls.
• To be ready to use the toilet or potty a child first needs to understand that his bowels or bladder are full. He needs to be able to hold on to his urine (wee) for an hour or so eg to be waking up dry from his daytime nap. He needs to be able to understand that he is meant to use the toilet or potty.
• The first sign of this awareness may be that he tells you when he is actually doing wee or poo or when he has just done it. When he gets praise for telling you, he will be ready to move on to the next step. This will be to tell you before he is actually doing it

Other signs of readiness are:

• taking and interest in others using the toilet
• pulling at wet and dirty nappies
• telling you that they are wet
• telling you that they don't want to wear nappies any more

Be prepared to wait until your child is ready. Most toilet training problems can be avoided if you don't start too early. Don't give yourself a time that you want success by eg when the new baby comes. This is almost a sure recipe for disaster.

DRY AT NIGHT

Many children go on wetting the bed long after they are dry during the day. It is not necessary to worry about bedwetting if the child is under five or so. If the child continues after this, or has been dry and starts wetting again, a check with the doctor is important to make sure there is no medical problem. Check with the doctor also if one child is bedwetting much later than others in the family. Once this is clear you can be reassured that over 10% of children in the younger primary school years wet their beds. Most children grow out of it naturally.

GETTING READY TO TOILET TRAIN

• Teach your child the words needed for asking to go to the toilet such as wet, dry, poo, wee, potty. Choose words that you are comfortable using.
• Choose either a potty, or a special toilet seat with footstool or brick (a brick is cheap and easy to step up on). This is necessary if you choose to use a toilet seat, so that your child feels safe and relaxed on the toilet. A potty can be moved around the house but you may need to take it out with you if your child is not used to using a toilet. (This can be quite useful for emergencies when you are caught in traffic.)
• Encourage children to imitate you and sit on the potty when you sit on the toilet.
• Some toddlers are afraid of being flushed down the toilet because they don't yet understand that they cannot fit down such a small hole. For these children a potty is better or at least don't flush the toilet until they are safely out of the way.
• Make sure the the toilet area is safe. Keep household cleaners and deodorants out of reach.
• If you feel comfortable about it let your child go with you to the toilet and talk about what you are doing.
• Make sure your child is wearing clothing that is easy to get on and off, and easy to wash, such as trainer pants.
• In the warm weather you might like to let your child go without pants or nappies for some of the time.

STARTING TOILET TRAINING

• If your child tells you before she does a wee or poo you can just take her to the toilet or potty. If she doesn't get there in time at first, give her praise for whatever she has managed eg pulling down her pants or sitting on the toilet. Make sure that she sees that the praise is for her learning a new skill not something she has to do to please you. For example you might say: "You did that really well" but not say "You are a good girl for Daddy".
• If she does not tell you yet before she does her poo or wee, choose a time when you are able to give lots of attention to your child before you decide to start. It is best not to do it just before or just after a new baby arrives. If you see signs that she is about to do a wee or poo say something like "Let's see if there is a wee coming". Then take her to the toilet or potty. Children are often busy with what they are doing, so they don't always notice their body's message that their wee or poo is coming.
• Children do not need to be made to sit on a potty for long periods of time. This feels like punishment to the child and does not help toilet training.
• Make sure your child can easily get to the toilet by herself if she wants to.
• Teach girls to wipe themselves from the front towards the back to avoid the chance of getting any soiling into the vagina.
• Teach boys and girls to wash their hands after using the toilet or potty.
• Reward success with cuddles. Say "I am proud of you" etc.

Be positive. Learning to use the toilet is difficult. Praise small successes. (Toilet training involves pulling down pants, pulling up pants, sitting on the toilet, washing hands - all of these are achievements for your child).

TOILET TRAINING TROUBLES

Learning to control bowels and bladder (poo and wee) is a major task for the toddler and sometimes there are hitches in the process for a variety of reasons.

• Starting too soon.
• Parents have set themselves a date to succeed by. Development doesn't obey dates.
• Pressure from relatives or friends. "Surely Tom isn't still in nappies?"
• Parents feeling they must get their child trained. If the child feels tensions and pressure she make become afraid of making a mess, and it will be hard for her to get it right.
• Children and parents getting into a battle over toilet training. Everybody loses in this sort of battle.
• If you think your child is purposely not trying to succeed it is easy to show her that you are angry or even to punish her. This sets back the new learning.
• Having a hard poo or bowel movement can hurt. (A diet which includes plenty of fibre will help keep the poo soft).
• Any stress in the child's life, such as a new baby or starting child care can set her back.

PHYSICAL PROBLEMS

Sometimes after an illness or due to constipation, a small tear (or fissure) happens, which causes pain when the child does poo. This can make the child try to hold on and eventually small amounts of pool leak out whenever the bowels become too full to manage. This can cause great distress to the child. If you feel this is happening, or the child seems to be in pain or there is blood in the poo it is important to see a doctor.

Sometimes the bowel gets used to being full of poo all the time. Then it loses some of the feeling for the child to know when he needs to go to the toilet. He doesn't get the message that he needs to go. This needs medical help to get it started again.

You should also see your doctor if there are signs of urinary (bladder) infections:

• doing wee very often
• pain when doing wee
• blood in the wee
• wetting frequently during the day after the age of two
• if your child's wee changes in smell
• a child of four or over is still wetting during the day

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO

• The most important thing is for the child to feel that he has the support of his parents in learning this new skill. If he is resisting toilet training or there has been a bit of a battle he needs at least a few weeks with all the pressure off. In the meantime spend lots of time making him feel good.
• Making the toddler feel special needs to be worked on first, especially if the problem is due to having a new baby (or other stress). After all she can see you happily changing the baby's pooey nappies while inside she still needs some babying herself. If she wants to wear a nappy or have a bottle again for a while, let her. Once she feels that she is still special to you she will be able to go forward again.
• The first step towards a new beginning is to tell the toddler whenever and wherever she does her poo, that poo is good and doing poo is good for her. This will help her to feel free to tell you when she is doing it, or when she is ready to.
• Sometimes it helps to put the potty in a place chosen by the child.
• If she is relaxed about it you could take her to the toilet or potty at a time when she usually does poo, or after a sleep if she wakes up dry.
• The first praise needs to be just for sitting there for a short time, or for pulling up her pants or whatever she can manage. Children learn new tasks in small steps and each step can be praised. Don't wait until they can do the whole task properly.
• It is not helpful to make toddlers attend to washing of their own pants or sheets. This usually makes them feel bad and may make the problems worse. (sometimes a counsellor will suggest this as part of a program to help older children be in charge of their own needs, but it is not appropriate for younger children. If it is suggested by a counsellor it is never used as punishment).
• The more you can take off the pressure and help your child to feel that success will be her own doing, the quicker success is likely to come. When children feel tension or anger in their parents, it makes them tense and then it is harder for them to learn new skills.

SPECIAL NOTE

Once your child is using the toilet, you need to be really on your guard against disappointment if there are accidents. A few accidents are par for the course even when children are trained. If disappointment catches you unawares and the child sees that you are upset or angry, it is likely to set back all your good work!

REMINDERS

• Toilet training is a difficult new skill for children to learn.
• Start when they show they are ready.
• Give praise for success.
• Go at the child's pace.
• If there are any setbacks give up for a few weeks and then start again.
• Don't get into battles over toilet training. It needs to be the child's achievement that he can be proud of.

IMPORTANT NOTE

The information above is for parents of children under five. If problems with soiling go on longer than this you may need professional help. Soiling or wetting during the day can be a distressing social problem for children and they need our best efforts to help them with it.